My Heart Is Rushing Things

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I’m moving too fast!

Something has happened in the last few weeks. It’s as if I’ve shed a skin or discarded a cocoon. Some idea I used to have of myself has passed away. The masculine image I once presented to the world – and often to myself – isn’t sticking any more. The machinery I operated to work in the male world has broken down, and now I’m useless as the person people expect me to be.

For example, I can’t buy guy clothes any more. I just can’t. I’m so utterly fed up with buying clothes that I don’t like, I’ve reached a point where I would barely care if someone saw me in a dress. All the clothes I’ve bought in the last few months have been from the ladies’ section, and not for ‘crossdressing’ – but for normal everyday wear. Scarves, gloves, leg warmers… Not exactly evening gowns, but the point is that whenever I’ve needed clothes, I’ve naturally bought stuff from the women’s section. Because that’s where I can get stuff I actually like.

I can’t even pretend to understand guys anymore. In conversations I get so bored and tired of bullshitting. I know what I’m supposed to say in guy conversations like a formula, but I can’t bring myself to use my precious energy on faking it. Also, I’ve become a bit of a feminist.

I’m starting to naturally become more androgynous, even feminine. People are going to start wondering soon.

This would all be great if I was able to transition any time soon, but the truth is the earliest I can feasibly transition is around October of next year, if not two years from now. I’m still in school and I need to become financially independent from my parents and grandparents before I can start living a new life.

I can’t afford to move this fast! Time and money are moving at a snail’s pace, but my heart is opening like jaws of death to swallow all the old comforting lies that once made life as a man somewhat livable.

I feel like a ghost that’s a moment away from being resurrected from the dead. My spirit is already alive even though my body is still inanimate. I want to run out into the streets as me, free and unashamed. The problem is not all of me is ready to run out. My wallet is too empty. My cheeks are too scruffy. My family is too uncomprehending.

And, technically I’m still discerning whether or not to transition in the first place. The problem is I’m transitioning already, whether I ‘decide’ to or not.

If it’s all about timing, then patience is the name of the game. If only that was a virtue that came easily to me…

 

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8 thoughts on “My Heart Is Rushing Things

  1. I can so relate to what you are saying in this post. I have this impatience now. I no longer care about being the man people expect me to be. I want discover who I really am and be me. Like you there are things that prevent that for me. Its going to be hard to have that patience. 😦

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  2. Hi there. I don’t mean to be impertinent, but you may be interested to see some essays on the Catholic Online web site about gender identity and transgender: http://www.catholic.org/search/?q=gender+identity

    Also, you may like to read this article from the National Catholic Bioethics Quarterly: http://transgendersurvivor.wordpress.com/2013/09/11/the-psychopathology-of-sex-reassignment-surgery/

    Finally, some of the articles I’ve written and re-posted on my two blogs may be of interest to you: http://transgendersurvivor.wordpress.com and http://m2f2m.wordpress.com . As you can probably tell from my WordPress ID, I am a man who lived “as a woman” for many years. Now I’m remembering myself as a man. One blog is about my de-transitioning process, and the other is more of an “activist” blog.

    There is a lot of pressure on young people nowadays, who don’t conform to stereotypic gendered appearance and behavior patterns, to actually try to become the other sex. There is a ton of propaganda out there that tries to make it seem normal and good. It isn’t. It’s actually quite misogynistic. And it’s very important to know that despite what transgender activists and well-intentioned (but wrong) psychologists may say, no amount of dangerous hormones and surgeries or “transitioning” will ever make you into a woman.

    Although details of our lives may be vastly different, I bet there are some core themes that led us to “gender dysphoria.” Thankfully, I emerged from mine.

    Take care, and I hope you will take this in the spirit of constructive feedback from someone who has “been there.”

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    • This comment seems a bit spammy (wordpress even flagged it as such), but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.

      You’ll be happy to know I’m now following both your blogs.

      I appreciate your thoughts on the subject. I just sat down and read a bunch of your posts, which I prepared for with prayer and placing myself in an open-minded place. I admit I’ve been searching for an “ex-trans” for a while since they don’t seem to exist. The only prominent ex-trans on the internet have all re-transitioned or fallen off the face of the Earth, so I’m very happy to hear from you.

      I think the situation is more complicated then you sometimes make it seem. First of all, studies DO seem to show that trans people probably have certain physiological structures in their brains that are typical of the gender they identify with. These structures are located in the hypothalamus, which is an extremely core part of the brain. I.E. Trans people may very well have biologically core identities/processes that are affirming of their gender identity. I.E. Trans might be a form of intersex. I write about this here:
      http://catholictrans.wordpress.com/2013/11/18/debunking-myth-11-sex-and-gender-are-straightforward/

      Also, there IS a difference between ‘male’ and ‘man,’ and ‘female’ and ‘woman,’ which I ponder about here:
      http://catholictrans.wordpress.com/2013/11/17/am-i-a-woman/

      Also, in a future blog post I’m going to write about the fact that the Church DOES NOT have an official teaching about transsexuality. There are informal thoughts/homilies on the subject, but most of them rely on misinformation and certainly don’t represent any sort of official, doctrinal, Magesterial ruling.

      It’s very true that you have stuff in your past that I can relate to. For example, I never felt like I fitted in with the boys. Now maybe this disconnect caused my transgenderism, OR MAYBE I can’t relate to boys as a boy BECAUSE I’m transgendered. It’s a chicken-and-egg scenario. Did I not connect with my dad because I’m trans, or am I trans because I didn’t connect with my dad? It’s not an easy question to answer, and I’m skeptical of the easy developmental theories. Men don’t just wake up one day and think they are women. Also, there are trans people who don’t fit all the developmental criteria for these theories.

      I know there can be lots of propaganda out there from various sides, but the ideas I’ve come to have been after deep personal reflection. I started my journey with the developmental theories of transsexualism by Joseph Nicolosi, which is a very conservative view of the trans condition. I threw away the theory simply because it didn’t work. I’ve also had an email correspondence with Anne Lawrence. While I appreciate her research, her theories are very flawed.

      Thank you for your input, and I will continue to follow your journey and learn from it as open-mindedly as I can. God bless.

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  3. TogetherStyle says:

    Well, I wanted to let you know that I have felt the it’s moving too fast problem as well but I was much older. It will take time even when you get to the point of wanting it to be over yesterday. Laser and Electro takes a long time and you are not really ready for hormones and being a woman everyday until those are out of the way. But there are many who transition in college and you may need to be one of them. Only you can know in consultation with god and a good gender therapist. Be blessed in your journey. By the way you dealt with the reader above I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders.

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    • Apparently I never replied to this comment… :{
      Thank you for the encouragement! I’m finding that focusing on “inner beauty” and transitioning socially/internally even if I can’t transition physically yet is not only helpful, but beautiful and rewarding.

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