I’m moving too fast!
Something has happened in the last few weeks. It’s as if I’ve shed a skin or discarded a cocoon. Some idea I used to have of myself has passed away. The masculine image I once presented to the world – and often to myself – isn’t sticking any more. The machinery I operated to work in the male world has broken down, and now I’m useless as the person people expect me to be.
For example, I can’t buy guy clothes any more. I just can’t. I’m so utterly fed up with buying clothes that I don’t like, I’ve reached a point where I would barely care if someone saw me in a dress. All the clothes I’ve bought in the last few months have been from the ladies’ section, and not for ‘crossdressing’ – but for normal everyday wear. Scarves, gloves, leg warmers… Not exactly evening gowns, but the point is that whenever I’ve needed clothes, I’ve naturally bought stuff from the women’s section. Because that’s where I can get stuff I actually like.
I can’t even pretend to understand guys anymore. In conversations I get so bored and tired of bullshitting. I know what I’m supposed to say in guy conversations like a formula, but I can’t bring myself to use my precious energy on faking it. Also, I’ve become a bit of a feminist.
I’m starting to naturally become more androgynous, even feminine. People are going to start wondering soon.
This would all be great if I was able to transition any time soon, but the truth is the earliest I can feasibly transition is around October of next year, if not two years from now. I’m still in school and I need to become financially independent from my parents and grandparents before I can start living a new life.
I can’t afford to move this fast! Time and money are moving at a snail’s pace, but my heart is opening like jaws of death to swallow all the old comforting lies that once made life as a man somewhat livable.
I feel like a ghost that’s a moment away from being resurrected from the dead. My spirit is already alive even though my body is still inanimate. I want to run out into the streets as me, free and unashamed. The problem is not all of me is ready to run out. My wallet is too empty. My cheeks are too scruffy. My family is too uncomprehending.
And, technically I’m still discerning whether or not to transition in the first place. The problem is I’m transitioning already, whether I ‘decide’ to or not.
If it’s all about timing, then patience is the name of the game. If only that was a virtue that came easily to me…