When feelings interfere with final exams

I’m supposed to be writing papers right now, but my soul is languishing. I cannot concentrate on the task at hand when I feel so torn. Every molecule of my being is straining for a better life, a life lived authentically. Every time I pass the mirror in my room, I stop and stare for a little too long, trying to catch a glimpse of the person behind the veil.

The thing is I don’t desire to look into the mirror. I don’t want to have to gaze into my own eyes to recover the part of me that is lost. I don’t want to have to languish and moan as I hope for the day when all of me is an integrated whole. I don’t want to think about myself or worry about gender or fear my family. I don’t want to spend a single moment thinking about myself ever again. I want to LOVE!

So yes I hope for the day when I will be beautiful, but this is only the tiniest fraction of my desire. Yes, even more so I long for the time when I don’t have to wear a mask, but this is only a tiny drop of my anguish. Yes, more than both these is my desire to dance and sing and smile with freedom, but even this is crushed under the weight of the great pain that presses on my chest.

You see, the one thing I want above all is to be FREE TO LOVE! I want to be done with selfish preoccupations. I want to have some measure of completeness, not so I can feel complete, but so I can stop worrying about how incomplete I am. I want to be authentic to the world not only so I can be happy, but so I can be carefree above all. Carefree in love.

Why is the wait so long?! Why does every day feel like a lifetime?

I spent an hour tonight dithering around Youtube watching videos of mtf transition timelines. It took the edge off for a moment because it gave me hope. It seems so sad though, to have to cope with life by living vicariously through those who are farther ahead than me.

I need a change of attitude. I need to stop living in the future. I am me NOW! Sure, I’m unformed and incomplete. Sure, I’m masked and veiled. Sure I’m distracted and daydreamy. But the present still beckons. Life is still awesome, even if I choose to disconnect from it. The biggest thrill of coming to terms with being transgender has been to finally be able to live in the light. Well, I need to reclaim that. I need to keep living in the light.

Onward and upward!

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4 thoughts on “When feelings interfere with final exams

  1. Ugh, yes, the mirror problem. I hated mirrors for the longest time. Only recently have I started to accept — and even approve of! — what I see there. Cover that thing up with a sheet until you need it!

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  2. The mirror, oh how I long for the day i can look in the mirror and be happy. A young Transwoman vlogger on You-Tube Hopfulkylee, described how after a certain point in her transition she began to see her true self in the mirror and was happy, and there were times when it made her extra happy, her therapist said: “This is you hugging yourself.” So when you know what it is like to have had such self loathing and hating that reflection, the idea that you will get to hug yourself and love yourself seems like an unobtainable goal. I can only yearn for such a day and hope that it may come true, but the cost seems nearly impossible sometimes. To not pursue it will destroy one, but to go forward is like walking into destruction. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Perhaps it is more like being a precious metal being refined, i don’t know.

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    • Yeah, I’m trying to get to the point where I can hug myself regardless of what I see in the mirror and rather based on what I see in my soul. I think part of the key to a “beautiful” transition (speaking as someone who hasn’t transitioned – so easier said than done) is to not transition out of desperation, but out of healthy self-respect and joy. I don’t want to transition because it’s the only option, but because it’s the best and most beautiful option. Of course it can seem hard to justify transitioning when there is so much social fallout that will happen because of it, but at the same time it seems to me that if you can be at peace with yourself, then nothing external can harm you. So I’m trying to reach that point of interior peace right now, regardless of my external appearance, and work from there. Again, easier said than done. 😛

      Awww Hopefulkylee R.I.P.!
      😥
      She was the best. God bless her! I think she’s a martyr. She poured herself out to give hope to other people like you and me.

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