I’m supposed to be writing papers right now, but my soul is languishing. I cannot concentrate on the task at hand when I feel so torn. Every molecule of my being is straining for a better life, a life lived authentically. Every time I pass the mirror in my room, I stop and stare for a little too long, trying to catch a glimpse of the person behind the veil.
The thing is I don’t desire to look into the mirror. I don’t want to have to gaze into my own eyes to recover the part of me that is lost. I don’t want to have to languish and moan as I hope for the day when all of me is an integrated whole. I don’t want to think about myself or worry about gender or fear my family. I don’t want to spend a single moment thinking about myself ever again. I want to LOVE!
So yes I hope for the day when I will be beautiful, but this is only the tiniest fraction of my desire. Yes, even more so I long for the time when I don’t have to wear a mask, but this is only a tiny drop of my anguish. Yes, more than both these is my desire to dance and sing and smile with freedom, but even this is crushed under the weight of the great pain that presses on my chest.
You see, the one thing I want above all is to be FREE TO LOVE! I want to be done with selfish preoccupations. I want to have some measure of completeness, not so I can feel complete, but so I can stop worrying about how incomplete I am. I want to be authentic to the world not only so I can be happy, but so I can be carefree above all. Carefree in love.
Why is the wait so long?! Why does every day feel like a lifetime?
I spent an hour tonight dithering around Youtube watching videos of mtf transition timelines. It took the edge off for a moment because it gave me hope. It seems so sad though, to have to cope with life by living vicariously through those who are farther ahead than me.
I need a change of attitude. I need to stop living in the future. I am me NOW! Sure, I’m unformed and incomplete. Sure, I’m masked and veiled. Sure I’m distracted and daydreamy. But the present still beckons. Life is still awesome, even if I choose to disconnect from it. The biggest thrill of coming to terms with being transgender has been to finally be able to live in the light. Well, I need to reclaim that. I need to keep living in the light.
Onward and upward!