My castle is under attack!

‘ve been spending so much time in my head lately. The influence of various people in my life has left me completely emotionally shut down and repressed.

My intellect has always been my coping mechanism for dysphoria since it’s the main part of my personality that people reward and accept. Growing up, I would spend all my private life absorbed in creative projects that demanded everything of me, and a lot of my public energy with clubs and whatnot. I would tackle all these in a way that demonstrated my own intellectual abilities because, well… that’s what people wanted to see in me.

When at last I came out to myself, I began to open up what had up until then been closed rooms of my soul. I had this image in my mind of myself as a shy, frightened child locked up in a dingy study my entire life. When I came out, it was as if I opened the doors and began sweeping the rest of the house (all dark and dusty) with a flashlight. I discovered there were many rooms in my soul, most of which I had neglected or largely ignored because I was too afraid of what my house would look like if I put them all together.

Eight months have passed since then, and I can say it has been wonderful visiting the other rooms in my house. There have been many times where I’ve felt the freedom to pass from one room to the next, enjoying my emotions and thoughts and desires and hopes and all the other parts of the house all at once, integrated, whole, synthesized. At these moments I’ve felt such joy and youth and peace, no matter what’s going on around me.

The problem is that I now feel my house under siege from others. My parents, after invalidating my identity about as much as they could, have been putting financial pressure on me to make me see a particular psychologist who is part of the “reparative therapy” movement – that is, he thinks queer people can and should change who they are (and he thinks he can help with that).

It really feels like my house is under attack, and instead of being able to glide about just gazing at paintings hanging on the wall or perusing long-neglected books and reupholstering furniture, I’m forced to run back into my small, cramped study to draw out battle plans.

It really sucks right now. I’ve made so much progress putting my life back together again, but these peoples’ constant barrage of criticism (unspoken or direct) is closing doors again. I’m being sent back into dark places where I used to live, where the only thing worthwhile about myself was my intellect, where all my feelings hid because they’re dirty and shameful.

I’ve spent my entire life in that small cramped study trying to think up ways to deny that the rest of my house exists. Well, now that I’m finally living as a homemaker and not a prisoner in my own house, I find myself being chased back into my hole.

I want to cry almost every day, but most of the time my emotions are so completely cauterized that I can barely shed a tear.

To the gates! Ready the archers!

But I’m so fucking tired… 

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12 thoughts on “My castle is under attack!

  1. Great post. I love your analogy about the house–I really relate to that. I adopted similar coping strategies to you. They work until they don’t work anymore.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your parents’ stubborn non-acceptance. I hope that you can avoid seeing that psychologist–I am worried for your mental health if you are exposed to such “therapy” (which doesn’t deserve that title).

    I know it helps some parents face the music to hear that their child is trans from a doctor or therapist, so if your parents would be willing to send you to someone legit, maybe they could vouch for you. Or maybe your counselor from school could help explain it to them.

    Stay strong and God bless.

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  2. I know that feeling well. Too well. I’ve been facing so many setbacks that it’s easy to lose hope. But you know what? This is my life! This is my happiness and my sanity at stake. So no matter how the wind howls, I CANNOT bow out — I WILL NOT give in — I REFUSE to make excuses. I am me, so the world either needs to understand, or they will have to get used to seeing my back as I walk away.

    The good news though, is that there are always going to be people out there who accept you just as you are. No unfair expectations from those who claim to love you — and “love accepts all things” really proves that.

    So sweetie, keep your chin up. Keep smiling. And never let them get you down. You are worthy of the happiness they want to rob you off — never believe otherwise!

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  3. It is like that. Being chased back down to the study, ready to defend the stronghold against the Jabberwocky’s of life. It does get tiring because there will always be another one to fight 😦 Not all that inspirational is it? Yikes!!!!!! Actually I do want to say something inspirational but find it hard. To be honest there always be a Frabjous Day and Jabberwocky’s to fight out there.

    I think the thing to keep in mind is that there are people out there unlike your parents that will accept you and let you explore your house, Just need to get through this battle with them and the therapist so you can explore more of your house and surround yourself with people that will be accepting of you and even help you defend your castle.

    This is another battle, but the important thing is not to surrender in the war. To live down in that cramped study because you think its the only way to live. Focus on winning the war and being the person you are, to explore those rooms, to understand and know yourself.and be with people that do accept you in all of your glory. This is just another battle that will pass in the war to be you. A war that you can win and people are willing to help you win 🙂

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    • Well the good news is that to compensate for having to face the people who don’t accept me, I’ve also recently found lots of people who really affirm me for who I am, trans and all. So the two sort of balance each other out.

      Thanks for the encouragement 🙂

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