I can only be who I am

I’ve always found it ironic that our contemporary culture embraces my transgender identity. You see, contemporary culture tells me to “be whoever you want to be” and “respect all lifestyle choices.” I’ve had more people than I can count come up to me and tell me: “I’m okay with whatever lifestyle you choose to live.”

The thing is I barely ever made a choice. Sure, I chose to transition. Sure, that choice was mine to make and mine alone, and I made it. But I also choose to get out of bed (nearly) every morning, and people don’t make a fuss. Why? Because getting out of bed is perceived as natural. If only people could see how transitioning – just living my life (with medical aid) – is really the only natural thing to do.

As to the idea that you can be whoever you want to be, as far as my life experience is concerned: it’s absolute bullshit.

I tried to be who I wanted to be. I tried to be a straight cisgender male. I tried to feel like a guy. I tried to embrace my big muscles and chin-strap beard. I tried to be exactly what was expected of me. I tried to be the person I wanted to become. And guess what? After 22 years of effort, I discovered I could only ever be who I was.

I think we make choices, choose paths, and path-find for ourselves. I think God gives us radical free will. But I also think there is one us, one true being that we are whether we like it or not. I think our souls stand bare before the mind of God, and He sees them for what they are, and He loves them into sustained existence. And I think no matter how much we try, we cannot be anything else than what we are, simply because God loves what we are too much to let it go.


6 thoughts on “I can only be who I am

  1. Sister Shadow says:

    That was a very beautiful reflection, thank you!
    I was especially moved by the last paragraph and the part about being who we are because God loves us too much to let go.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautifully said! I have often had a similar thought around the idea of choice and transition. Sure, I made a choice. But as it was between transition and suicide, it’s really not much choice to speak of.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I was reading about the lore of Middle Earth recently, and reread the Music of the Ainur. I think where people often go wrong is that they think free will is about choosing to accept or reject God’s plan for our lives, when really the choice as to how we live our lives is always one we have to make – it’s not whether or not we follow our own plan, but whether or not we weave our own lives in harmony or discord with the themes that God has ordained for them. There’s no plan we must choose to follow, but there *are* themes we have to keep our plans in harmony with.

    So like you say, you *chose*, but it was a choice to live in harmony with God’s theme, rather than in discord.

    Also, people often bring up “there is a way that seems right to a man…”, forgetting that if God is okay with what you’re doing, that *also* will seem right to you…. It is confusing.


    • Ooh, I never thought of the Music of the Ainur in that way. That’s truly beautiful.

      For me, I was deeply struck when I heard the Parable of the Talents (Matt 25-14-30), where the one servant who is rebuked is the one who was so afraid of doing the wrong thing in the Master’s eyes that he did nothing. The servants who took a risk and made the best with what they had were the ones who recieved the Master’s praise. When I heard this parable, I realized something in my life needed to change. The choice was, to use the Tolkien analogy, whether to join the music and risk being off-key, or to not sing at all. Obviously I chose to sing, and now it’s just a matter of constantly listening in on the music around me to judge if I’m in harmony.

      Liked by 2 people

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